Tonight is the Night - Dona Nobis Requiem

'Dona Nobis Requiem' is the only sung phrase in Latin that is not in the original Latin text of a Requiem Mass. It translates us 'Grant us rest'. It is the final sentence that is sung in the work tonight, and it seemed a fitting conclusion...

...I didn't get much Requiem last night. I stayed up late playing boardgames (specifically Tales of the Arabian Nights). I fell asleep quickly, but I had some 'Requiem Dreams'. They never really materialized into full blown nightmares, but they were enough to make me feel unrested this morning.

There were really 2 recurring themes in them.

The first was that all the publicity that I had given out were for the wrong venue - I spent most of that dream frantically calling, emailing and messaging people on Facebook trying to get the correct information to them. Consequently when the concert started I was so emotionally drained and worrying about who was missing it, that I missed it.

I will really practice being present tonight.

The second was even more curious. I was standing outside the venue when two strangers struck up a conversation asking me what I knew about the composer and his music. I answered the best that I could without revealing my identity. Then a friend came by and of course immediately gave the game away. I looked chagrined, and the 2 people then began to barrage me with these incredibly complex musical questions about the work and my compositional techniques. I had to ask them so many questions just so I could understand their questions, and then it took me so long to formulate my answers using their language that I came across looking like a dullard.

I know I have a tendency to put myself in outsider status. To believe that everyone else is genuine and I am a fraud. I make those judgements internally to myself in many different social settings and I recognize that it serves 2 purposes 1) It is a defence mechanism, I assume I am going to be rejected, so I reject you first, that way it is my 'choice' and therefor doesn't hurt as much. 2) It flows out of low self esteem issues. It's me telling myself that I'm not good enough.

Tonight I choose to be transparent and to celebrate my 'Goldenness' even as I acknowledge my 'Darkness' The response to the Requiem from the students and Faculty has been wonderful, I trust their judgement, and I also trust mine. I will let the music speak for me and I will relax knowing that I have many wonderful friends who are attending to support me and hear what I create.

Dona nobis requiem? - Yes God did, and I'm grateful for it.