A Story and a Poem

While searching through some old files on my computer I came across a service I had planned that featured the following story and poem. I wrote the poem many years ago, I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.


A monk came to Abba Sisoes and said: “What should I do, Abba, for I have fallen from grace?” And he replied, “Get up again.” The monk came back shortly after and said: “What shall I do now, for I have fallen again?” And the old man said to him, “Just get up again. Never cease getting back up again!”
–Sayings of the Elders



Today, I Sinned.

Today, I sinned.
It wasn’t ‘an accident’
I don’t believe ‘the devil made me do it’
And it definitely didn’t ‘just happen’
It was planned meticulously.

Today, I sinned.
I lied to cover my tracks
And then I went out looking to indulge.
Lie begat lie
And so I began to build –
A temple; an edifice
A complex structure all dedicated to one obsession
Me

Today, I sinned
I walked brazenly into my shrine
And placed myself on the throne
I insisted that the world was there for my pleasure
I raised my voice and cried out in arrogance
“Come to me! What I want is all-important!
My delight is everything!”

Today, I sinned
I feasted deeply
I drank my fill
I denied myself nothing

And now?

(Now that my hunger is sated and my thirst quenched
Now I have surrendered myself to the craving of desire
Now I have satisfied myself in the temple of my own pleasure)

Do I feel guilty?
No
Do I feel repentant?
I know I should


My brain cries out “Repent! Ask for forgiveness! Beg for mercy!”
But my heart feels no shame
Only faint echoes of a voice
A whisper that accuses and murmurs
“If you were a good Christian you would feel guilty”

Today, I sinned
And now I feel guilty because I don’t feel guilty
How crazy is that!
My brain teases me with memories on constant replay
My heart whispers that my cry of arrogance was one of ignorance
And painfully I admit I am not the center of the world.

Today, I sinned
My brain schemed, implemented and eventually repented
But my actions didn’t stop the ache in my heart
It just rubbed it raw

Today, I sinned
Tonight, I learned my lesson
But I am afraid
Afraid I will forget tomorrow
Because I sinned yesterday too.